Leveling Up
Have you ever had an infatuation with something that literally just the thought of it would make your day brighter or bad mood shift to happy? Something outside of you that held a sort of magical power that couldn’t be put into words that normal people would understand? An obsession or even addiction that people would tell you that you probably should quit but deep down you wanted to throat punch them because they obviously didn’t understand what this ‘thing’ meant to you? A defining something. A long-term relationship with something that the bond felt unbreakable? If you feel me, then you will get what I’m about to tell you. That ‘thing’ for me was Starbucks. Every person in my life and even the kids I teach part time would answer this question the same, “What does Kathryn (Coach P) like the most?” They would ALL answer in unison, “Starbucks.”
In 2000, I got sober. Less than a year later I decided that to replace all my bad drinking habits, I would train for a marathon. Every morning at 5:30 am I would meet sweet Melissa and George at Starbucks on 5th Ave in Columbus, Ohio and we would run 5-6 miles during the week and then our long runs on the weekend. These runs literally saved me. I was learning how to be sober at a very young age, and I was dealing with feelings and issues that were new and confusing and they helped me on a daily basis during these runs. We literally talked about everything. By the time we would round back to Starbucks, all of us would be in a good mood and ready to tackle any issues that came our way! Then we would wait in line together and order our drinks and by the time the caffeine high hit I was unstoppable!
Fast forward a few years, and I’m a new mom and my baby never slept and it was always dark in the Midwest, and to start our morning, I would load the baby in my SUV and drive to Starbucks. By the time Miles was two he knew my Starbucks order! I was usually in the drive through line by 5:30 a.m. EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. I never minded. I never complained. I never felt inconvenienced because this was my thing. My happy place. The thing that got me through hard things. The one thing I knew I could hang onto because aside from spending a little money, it wasn’t going to cause me any trouble like other things I had given up in the past.
Fast forward again to December of 2019. My boyfriend asks me what I want for Christmas. Before I can stop myself I blurt out, “a coffee maker.” He gives me a very strange look. Tells me that he was thinking about that but he didn’t think I would ever give up Starbucks so what is the point? I tell him it wasn’t to give up Starbucks but just to stop having to go EVERY SINGLE DAY. Then it hit me. I had said this a thousand times. I would give it up every day and just do it on the weekends. I would only do it when it was cold. I would make coffee at home for two days and every third day get Starbucks. The point is, I had tried a million ways to attempt to give up my obsession but never had any intention of quitting entirely. It was always a vain attempt.
Until my sister asked me how much sugar was in the soy latte I drank and I said I don’t know. For the first time in twenty years I opened up the app to look at the nutritional facts. The denial was broken through. One would think as health conscious as I am, that I would have known what I was ingesting, but that is the point….where this damn double tailed green mermaid was concerned, I didn’t care! 26 grams of sugar. Nearly 9 teaspoons of sugar to start my day. Not to mention the $7 daily because of course I add a shot AND soy milk. Then I did the thing I swore silently to NEVER do. I added up how much it was costing me each week. And no, Karen, I had never done this before! (ha!) I just stood silently looking at the calculator. And this was only if I had one a day. Sometimes if I was going to be up late and knew it, I would have one in the afternoon too! Holy shit! I could have saved enough to send one boy to college. But, it wasn’t ever about the money. It was about so much more.
So, on January 6, I dove head-first into letting go of this beloved addiction. I made my first cup of coffee in the very nice machine that my man bought me. I added a little cream. I sat down in my chair and I drank it. It wasn’t sweet. It didn’t bring me joy. It didn’t make me feel anything. It was just coffee. Nothing to get excited about. Which is pretty much how I have felt for the past 3 ½ weeks. Nothing to get excited about. Blah. Uninterested in doing a lot. I’ve cried and gotten mad a lot. It seems impossible that the absence of one drink in the morning could bring about such a significant reaction.
But I know that it’s not about the stupid coffee drink. It’s about the story I have that something outside of me will bring me comfort. It’s temporary and fleeting. I know this from my own coaching journey and from coaching school. If it doesn’t come from within me FIRST, it will never come from outside of me. If I constantly need something outside of me to comfort me then I will never be truly comforted. So, this was one of my final “things.” One of the last in a long line of things I’ve let go of so that I could live a more authentic life. And I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be. The not drinking it has been easy. I don’t even miss the coffee part. The part I miss is feeling like I have a bit of “protection.” Something to comfort me when I feel any sort of way. Something to keep me going when I feel run down because my life revs so high. A little pick me up in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon when I want to accomplish a lot. I’m grieving the loss of my thing.
So, for now I’m cocooning. That is what I like to call it. Hibernation. It’s what I do when I’m learning a new normal. It’s what I did when I got sober; had babies; went through a divorce, and now, giving up a very long-standing relationship with that damned mermaid! I lay low. I journal. I stick close with my people. I allow myself to be sad. To feel uninspired. To just let my body adjust and see where it goes from here.
This is my version of leveling up. Once I lean in, it seems there is a ‘dark’ time. A time where nothing feels normal and everything feels a little prickly to my skin. It’s a process. It means I have to go inward and see what is happening while I’m making changes. It means I get real quiet and sometimes for people like me, that feels impossible. Yet the quiet reflection is where the leveling up takes place. This is where I integrate my old ideas and my old beliefs with the new ones. This is where my next level of badassness begins. Or at least that’s what I tell myself when the feeling of blah gets to be too much and I just want to retreat and go back to what is comfortable. Yet, comfort is the enemy of transformation and I believe that with every fiber of my being. So, for now, I’m willing to be uncomfortable. I’m willing to be low energy. I’m willing to be blah.
I don’t know if any of you get this. I don’t know if you relate at all or if you have your “thing,” or your “comfort?” What do you tell yourself about it? Are you like me and think the sky will fall if you let it go? Does it feel like your right arm will be missing? Are you scared to death of who you will be without it? I get it. And while I don’t have any specific answers for you right now, I hope that you will consider joining me, or at least considering if there is something that you hold close, even secret, that you feel gets you “through.” Because maybe, just maybe, letting go of this thing is possible. Maybe, just maybe, letting it go will be your leveling up.
Until Next Time,
