I'm Not Superwoman, Right?
I’m a life coach. I literally make a living helping people learn about themselves, what they want and how to get it. I’m a HUGE advocator for personal boundaries and understanding how to get our needs met. So, why then, does it seem that even though I’m teaching this stuff ALL THE TIME and reminding people of it all the time, is it SO DAMN HARD for me to DO for MYSELF?! Arrrggghhh!
I had surgery the day after Christmas. This was supposed to be a minor surgery with minor pain associated. I haven’t ever been able to breathe through my nose and this was going to solve that problem. Did I say with minimal side effects? I was told I woke up in the recovery room screaming bloody murder and at the top of my lungs screaming, “It’s not supposed to hurt this bad!” Apparently they gave me a lot of pain relief in the recovery room and it took about 24 hours to realize how bad the surgery really was. When I did, I wanted to die.
I made my partner call the doctor (four times) to make sure that the pain was “normal.” They had given me a mild pain reliever which I was consuming every four hours for 24 hours and it wasn’t even beginning to touch the pain. The doctor said it was “normal” even though I knew deep down it wasn’t. I just kept hanging on, in survival, waiting for something to improve. Nothing improved. I was in agony from Friday am until Monday afternoon when they finally prescribed appropriate pain medication and removed the stints.
I’m telling you this because I knew I needed something different, but I didn’t want to rock the boat. I didn’t want anyone accusing me of “drug seeking” as I celebrated 20 years of recovery on January 1. I didn’t want to argue with my partner when he tried to hand me one pain pill and I knew it wasn’t going to even close to touch the pain. I sat in silence and misery and held onto the hope that I would get to see the doctor on Monday. I made myself so small and allowed myself to withstand so much pain all for the sake of not wanting to admit that I just couldn’t. I’m not superwoman. I might need help. I might make someone upset with my requests. God forbid.
How many of us do this in life? How many of us have an intuition, a feeling deep down of knowing something is right for us but we sit in silence and don’t say anything. Or better yet, pretend we didn’t even have the feeling in the first place? We go against our intuition and then end up paying massive prices down the road. How many of us know we need something different, know there is something more out there but just bide our time taking whatever is in front of us so we don’t have to rock the boat or deal with what people would think? How many of us take on more than we ‘should’ and pretend with our silence that we can handle it all? We suffer and continue to push through because God forbid we be human and scream, “MERCY!”
A couple of months ago I woke up on a Sunday morning and felt like I needed to say no to something I had said “maybe” to the night before. I felt it in my bones. Yet when my significant other asked, “You’re coming today, right?” I shook my head yes and got out of bed. Everything in me wanted to lay in my jammies and honor my commitment to “LFS (Lazy Fat Sunday)” but I ignored the feeling in my gut and showered and dressed. What was supposed to be a simple drive to airport and drop off friend became an entire day of football watching and being out in Dallas. At 5:30 I couldn’t handle it anymore, the anger that had boiled up inside of me was almost unbearable. I wanted to be mad at the friends I was with, but it wasn’t their problem I couldn’t say no. It wasn’t their problem that I said I was going to drop them off at the sports bar and then felt bad when they said they would carry their luggage inside with them and I felt responsible so went in with them because of course carrying luggage into a public place would be a disaster, right?
So, by the time I arrived back home after 6 pm I couldn’t do anything except stand in the shower and make myself wrong for saying yes when I wanted to say no. I could even hear myself screaming at my boys, “NO MEANS NO!” Except that no doesn’t always mean no for me. It means no unless you need me. It means no unless I take responsibility for your feelings instead of my own. It means no unless I force myself to do something that I know on every level I shouldn’t do.
It's 2020. This is my year. I’m allowing myself to be compassionate for the woman who can’t say no. I’m giving grace to the woman who would sit in agony rather than ask for what she needs. I’m understanding at a very deep level that in order to genuinely change this part of me and to fully recover myself from the “superwoman syndrome” that I have to practice. I also know that because it is coming up now, it’s coming up to be healed. I’ve already practiced a few times this week. As with any change I’ve ever made, it feels a little nauseating at first. Until it’s not. That is why we practice. If you suffer from this syndrome, I invite you to practice. Practice listening to the small voice inside that lets us know what we really want and/or need. Hear it and DO IT! God gave us that intuition and its up to us to use it. I reminded myself this week that I am the example my kids see. If I want them to have good boundaries and trust their intuition then I need to model it for them. So, I am. One day at a time. I hope you will too. Together we can do this!
Until Next Time,
