To My Precious Boys
My precious Boys,
I intended for your lives to be perfect. I wanted you to have a mother who was available, loving, connected, and present in every moment of your life. I wanted you to experience stability, comfort and a sense of calm in your every day routines. I dreamed of family vacations where we splashed in the ocean laughing and lunches under the umbrella; affection and love galore. I wanted you to have what I did not have growing up; an example of a man and woman who cared for each other, stood for each other, and most of all partnered on the most important of all topics; you.
I wanted you to witness your father slapping my butt in the kitchen or kissing me passionately when we thought you weren’t looking. I wanted you to know that a man and woman could live under the same roof and play nicely together. I wanted you to see conflict and see it resolved with respect and care. Baby boys, I wanted you to have IT ALL.
Looking back, I see that my attempt to make it all perfect nearly killed me, or at the very least dulled my shine to the point of hardly recognizing myself anymore. I see that in trying so hard to choose what I didn’t want, I chose it anyways. I chose a marriage exactly like the one I witnessed my entire life; unstable, angry, hurtful, full of chaos and confusion. I watched your tiny faces as you listened to your father scream and saw your pain as you watched me cry and try to hide it. You became anxious, unsure of yourselves, and sometimes outright angry and full of rage. You had every reason to feel this way. You did not deserve to be in an environment that was so toxic. You did not ask to be born into a family that could not find resolution and didn’t know affection of any kind at any time. You deserved the fairy tale, believe you me, you deserved it all.
When I could not take one more minute of feeling like I was going to die if I stayed, I had to crumble, had to break down, had to leave. I knew it was going to ruin your lives forever, and maybe even longer. I knew you would be angry and confused and want and wish and desire what your close friends had in their parents. I knew I would ruin your innocence and never be able to regain it because this is a hard life circumstance that doesn’t go away with time, the wound is deep, forever and always imprinted on your tiny hearts.
What I want you to know, dear precious angels, is that I did it for you. I did it for me. I did it so you could have a mommy who knows who she is; who loves herself and values her worth and her life. I did it so you may have an example of a woman that I hope one day for you to choose; one who stands on her own two feet; one who takes care of her physical and mental well being; one who knows exactly what she wants and lets nothing stop her from getting it. I wanted to be a loving and connected force in your life instead of the zoned out anxious zombie that you were seeing day in and day out. One day I hope to give you an example of a relationship that I would like you emulate. A relationship that I dreamed of giving you to start but wasn’t able to because the hard truth is, sometimes certain people cannot bring out the best in us. Sometimes people’s hurts are so perfectly matched that they can do nothing except relive those hurts day in and day out. Sometimes we have to choose those people so we can learn the lessons we need to and move on. Sometimes when the pain is so great, the only thing left to do is leave.
You will have many questions and concerns as we move forward in our new reality and I am here. I am fully alive, fully available to you. My promise to you is that I will love and honor your father til the day I die. I will be kind and considerate to him. I will not ever put you in the middle of our relationship; past, present or future. You will always come first. Your lives and your wellbeing will be my top priority. I may not have been able to give you the world, boys, but I will give you an example that I would be proud if you followed. Because when you follow your heart and you listen to that tiny voice that speaks inside, and you do what it says even if it’s the most heart wrenching difficult thing in the world, you will be okay in this lifetime.
I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
