My Fight Song
We love our stories. I know this. I learned all about my “story” in a training room when I was 28 years old. I’ve done some significant deep, personal work. I’ve managed to stay sober for 21 years. I have a resume of ‘stuff’ that I think qualifies me to see my own story pretty damn clearly.
This year has opened my mind and heart to the fact that sometimes you just can’t see it. Sometimes, it takes years, even decades, and in my case, my entire lifetime, to actually see it. Sometimes a story is buried so deeply that when you finally uncover it, it makes you feel like, “what the actual fuck?” “How could I have been so blind?”
The thing about exposing your stories is that you can no longer be blind. All doors open and truth is revealed in abundance. 2020 has revealed that from a very young age, I have allowed bullies to show up in my life and I silently volunteered for many types of abuse and never opened my mouth to expose them. I would go so far as to say I’ve even protected some of these bullies. Bullies that probably deserved a spotlight long before now and needed to be held accountable for their actions. But I was not able to do so.
My pattern began at age four with a molestation by an uncle; continued with verbal and sometimes physical abuse with my father; led to a group of girls who tormented me my freshman year of college so much I ended up in treatment for anxiety and depression, had me choose bosses who made sexual comments and touched me inappropriately, and ultimately, had me marry and procreate with the bully who brought all things crumbling around me, my ex-husband. These are the big bullies.
Once I saw the pattern, I saw how little I was in my response to all the bullies. Voiceless. Powerless. Allowing toxic and abusive behavior to be acceptable as only one who had been conditioned to do so, can. Never saying no. Never saying, “enough.”
I saw my groveling and my attempts to get love, acceptance, and attention from some of the bullies. I saw how much of myself I had to close off in an effort to protect those bullies. In an effort to keep them safe, I suffered through a lifetime of feeling anxious, unseen, and uncared for, but never being willing to call out their behavior.
Once I began to see how many times in my life, I had allowed unacceptable behavior and made myself wrong for it, I watched the movie reel of my life. It played back every single episode of Kathryn attracting the bully into her life, the bully doing their damage, as Kathryn spends days, weeks, months and years figuring out what she did wrong or worse, what she could have done differently to get the love, affection or acknowledgement she needed. Never once saying, stop it or leave me alone. Never having a voice.
At first it was like a small wave of understanding. Then it grew. To the point that I arrived at three and one-half months when I took my kids back to live with me full time. The title wave. My voice. My power. My anger. My boys were saying they didn’t want to go to their dad’s and finally in September I listened. What I heard was excruciating. I blogged about it in August and the repercussions were substantial for my boys. Someone told my ex-husband about the blog and he lost his mind.
This has silenced me for months. I didn’t want to upset the apple cart anymore. I woke up this morning and realized that I’m doing it again. I’m protecting the people who don’t deserve to be protected. The bullies.
I’ve watched as my boys have stood their ground, over and over and over again. They aren’t uncomfortable in their truth. They remain determined to be treated with love and care. I’m the one who finds myself uncomfortable as they refuse invitations or conversations with their father. I want to make them agree to it. I try to force them to agree to it because I have a long history or making sure the bully doesn’t feel too uncomfortable or too much pain. But they don’t budge.
The funny thing about raising kids who know they matter is they show you what truth and self esteem look like. I’ve been humbled by their commitment to their truth and their inability to lie to themselves as I often have. They are teaching me that the only way to deal with a bully is stand still and not move until you witness real movement and authentic change. And if you don’t, you step aside and do your life and keep yourself safe.
You don’t pretend or squash your truth just because someone doesn’t like it or they get upset with you. You don’t go quiet or mute or accept the abuse. You are willing to accept their discomfort or pain as theirs and you keep it moving. It’s breathtaking and miraculous to watch them. They are so fucking brave and powerful.
What bullies do you have in your life? Where do you need to stand up and find your own voice? What inappropriate behavior have you allowed for yourself or even your kids? Where have you gone silent and protected people for the sake of keeping the peace? Let’s learn from these young gentlemen I get the privilege of raising. Be willing to stand in your own truth. Be willing to expose the bullies of your own life, even if it is just the bully that continues inside of you to tell you that you aren’t good enough or thin enough or talented enough. Expose inappropriate behavior. Call it out, even if it’s just to yourself. Because knowing truth, speaking truth and growing at some point into accepting truth, is the only thing that will set you free in this lifetime.
Until Next Time,
