I Stopped Drinking
“You are an alcoholic?” my neighbor asked with shock. “Yes, Gina, I’m an alcoholic!” She kept shaking her head. “You just don’t look like an alcoholic,” she said with amazement. “You are so put together and educated. Are you sure you didn’t just go through a phase or something?” she inquired.
The conversation continued for months. Every single time we went to a dinner party or a neighborhood event, she just kept asking the same questions in different ways. I continued to answer them and tried to maintain composure but at some point, about 15 conversations in, I said, “Gina, do you love your husband?” She shook her head yes. “Well, because I know I’m an alcoholic, I know that if I drink I will probably end up sleeping with your husband, and every other husband in this neighborhood!” While I was actually even more crass than this, my patience had run out. Gina never questioned my alcoholism again.
I’ve been sober twenty years as of January 1. I stopped drinking when I was twenty-four years old. The mess that was my life has certainly cleaned up and improved through the years. I guess I don’t “look” the part of alcoholic because people seem shocked whenever I tell them my truth. It makes me wonder, what does an alcoholic look like? I’ve seen women walk into AA who look like they stepped off a Paris runway and others who look like they haven’t eaten a meal or showered in over a month. I’ve seen men who can’t even complete a full sentence and others who sound like they could have gone to law school.
An alcoholic doesn’t have a “look.” We may have a lot of personality traits in common, and certainly similar behavior patterns but to assume someone is not an alcoholic because they look “too put together” as my neighbor Gina indicated with me, is really naïve.
If you have ever walked through someone getting sober, you know what kind of hell they went through and possibly put you through. But, if you haven’t been touched by sobriety or someone who stopped drinking by choice, or god forbid, by the depths and sorrows of alcoholism, then how do you handle it when you find out someone has stopped drinking recently or meet someone as people do me, and find out they haven’t had a drink in a long while?
First, I think it’s important to know that no one wants to stop drinking, least of all an alcoholic. Most of us tried a thousand ways to keep us from having to quit but the evidence just mounted and finally beat us into submission. Even the people I’ve spoken to who are choosing to not drink and consider themselves “non-alcoholic sober” are doing so because they have experienced pain associated with their drinking and wanted to experiment with stopping.
So, if by chance someone you know decides to check out an AA meeting or stop drinking on their own, know that it’s because they are at their wits end with some aspect (or all aspects) of how their alcohol consumption is affecting their life or how it is affecting their family and friendships. I was twenty-four years old when I walked back in the doors of AA (first time I was 18). I didn’t want to be there, I promise you. But I knew that every time I drank (which was nearly every day at this point) I paid some sort of consequence. I was hungover at work, vomiting in the stalls in between calls, lying to anyone who loved me, calling off work regularly, losing jobs, and ultimately, having run-ins with the law.
Also, worth noting, is that not everyone who quits or heavily drinks, is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a tricky disease. When I argued with the leader of the treatment center about how I was too young to be an alcoholic, he defined alcoholism like this for me, “Anyone who continues to suffer consequences from their drinking and doesn’t stop, is an alcoholic. The consequences can be emotional, physical, legal, or spiritual.” He made me list all of the consequences I had experienced as a direct result of my drinking but didn’t stop drinking. As I mentioned above, there were quite a few. I was also told that no one could diagnose me as alcoholic that I had to identify myself first. Then there are a group of people, growing in popularity, that are stopping drinking on their own. I’ve heard from THREE acquaintances in the last six weeks that let me know they had stopped drinking after realizing they didn’t like how it was affecting their lives. None of whom consider themselves alcoholics. This movement of sobriety is blowing me away!
So, how do you deal with a friend or family member that decides to stop drinking or get sober? The biggest piece of advice I can give is that if you feel uncomfortable about someone’s choice to try not drinking, then you probably need to check in with your own drinking. Ask yourself if you have a problem. If there is any level of discomfort about how you or someone you love is drinking, chances are a close friend’s sobriety will make you feel a certain kind of uncomfortable. The neighbor who was so rude to me all those years ago was someone I’m quite confident was living with active alcoholism in her home. She couldn’t tolerate me being sober because it was a constant reminder of what she didn’t have. So, just be clear in communicating with friends and family that you aren’t bringing your baggage to the table.
If you are wanting to continue your relationship with someone who is newly sober, then get creative in how you invite said friend to do things. Going places where the sole focus is on drinking will not be fun for a sober person. I always make sure there is a place I can dance, or shoot pool, or throw darts, anything to keep me moving instead of standing still watching people drink! If your whole relationship (or the better part of it) was spent partying and you still wish to be friends with this person, then invite them to coffee and catch up for real. Go for a hike or long walk and find out what is going on for them and be curious about their new decision. Try to find new common ground so the relationship can grow without costing the person their newfound freedom from drinking.
Sobriety, especially new sobriety, is tricky. For most of us, we are feeling feelings that haven’t been expressed in a long time, if ever. We are tender and vulnerable in ways we maybe haven’t ever been. So, be gentle. Be kind. Ask questions but be sensitive. Know that early on, most of us are just trying to get through ONE day without a glass of wine or vodka. Please don’t offer me booze, not even as a joke. And please, don’t try to convince me of all the reasons I’m not an alcoholic.
Treat me normally but don’t be afraid of me or of being curious about my life changes. Just know that eventually it will get easier and with time I will find my way to feeling normal without alcohol and maybe eventually I’ll even hit the dance floor with you and show you that sober me is just as fun as drunk me ever was!
Also, if you or someone you know is struggling with alcohol abuse or addiction, please don’t hesitate to contact me EVER. I’m here.
Until Next time,
