Dating After Divorce
When I decided to leave my marriage, I was a month into working with a life coach. She told me that under no circumstance would she work with me unless I was willing to do my work single and completely ALONE. At the time, this felt like the easiest commitment to make because I was so OVER relationships and men anyways! Little did I know how much this decision would shape the coming years for me, or how grateful I am to Tori for knowing that without the choice to stay single, I would never really know who I am in my entirety. She saw what I could not see and that was that relationships can get in the way of the healing that needs to be done pre/post divorce. In fact, she went as far as to say, that in order to properly heal from a broken marriage that you needed to be alone for half the amount of time that you were in your marriage!!!! That it would take this long to really understand yourself, understand what happened in your marriage and to heal the hurt and feel the grief over the relationship you were leaving behind.
So, I listened. I was out of my marriage for over two years before I began dating. This was HARD. There were times when I just wanted someone to make the loneliness go away. There were times when I couldn’t figure out what to do when I had an entire weekend to myself and no kids to take care of. There were times when I wanted to lose my mind because I needed to feel someone touch me or lay next to me in bed. I wanted a reprieve from the work I was doing and a way to let off steam. But I listened and I did my work. I made it through many long, lonely nights and by the next day couldn’t remember why I was so sad the night before! I found that over time I grew to love the weekends I didn’t have my kids because I got to choose whatever I wanted to do and be with whatever friends I chose to be with. My coach had me make me a list of all the things I loved doing as a kid and begin to check them off one by one. I went to the movies alone, dinner alone, completed a three- hour ropes course in the wilderness alone, and danced long into the night with my girls on a regular basis.
If I had needs, I had to figure out how to get them met. I remember in my marriage, feeling lonely and trying to get my ex-husband to fill that need. Then I remember the frustration of not getting what I needed and then being mad at him. During my two years alone, I learned how to soothe and meet those needs inside. None of this could have been done without my coach Tori. Every step of the way, she was there to help me focus, clarify, and sort through the thousands of feelings that come up during divorce. She challenged me to look deep within and grow my intuition and my ability to stand on my own two feet. She made sure that when she was done with me, I was whole. And it was around that time that my best friend told me she thought I should start dating. I almost passed out! The mere thought of it then seemed overwhelming.
But the day after she said this, a tennis friend shared story about her good friend that was online dating and she said, “Kat you should try it!” So, I trusted the universe and signed up for two different dating apps. Oh what fun it was! I was not bothered if someone liked me or didn’t like me. If there was a spark, I went out with a guy. I actually declared 2017 as the year I would learn how to date! And date I did! There were weeks when I had 3-4 dates lined up and just had a blast! What was amazing is that because I was so free, so filled with being enough and not needing anyone, it seemed that men climbed out of the woodwork. Quality men, men who pursued me, dated me, wanted to know me, and went out of their way to make plans with me. Ultimately, I met a quality man and eventually had to talk myself out of being alone forever because at the time, the thought of a relationship was much scarier to me than that of living a life by myself!
Since this time of dating I have noticed how many divorced people are frustrated, overwhelmed, hurt, sad and sick of the opposite sex. So, I started a book to address the process that I went through to get ready to date post-divorce. I will not share the book here, brevity’s sake, but I wanted to hit a few key points about readying yourself to date.
First, you MUST spend time alone when leaving a marriage if you want to have the best chances at having a successful relationship again. How many people do you know that just run out and start dating the second their spouse moves out? Think about all the baggage we accumulate in a marriage gone bad. Think about the personal issues that a divorce taps into. This stuff has to be dealt with or it will inevitably bleed into another relationship down the road. Hire a therapist or life coach to help you navigate this rocky road of divorce. I think at minimum we should commit to six months of NO dating/sex/etc. It really needs to be more, but I have found in my business that this seems to be the longest people are actually willing to commit to upfront! Spend that time getting to know yourself and developing a strong sense of who you are authentically. Heal the hurt so when you do decide it’s time to date, you aren’t attracting the same kind of partner you did before because the wound is still so deep. Remember that like attracts like so if you are finding yourself dating the same kind of person over and over and are frustrated, it’s because there is an old pattern, a false belief somewhere in your mind that you are trying to work out. If you don’t work it out and understand it, you will continually be frustrated. The work is simple and hard but if done, you can totally change the quality of person you are attracting.
Second, spend time learning what you like. Make a list of all the things you loved to do as a kid. Then find ways to do those things or something that makes sense to do as an adult. I loved playing in the woods as a kid so that was why I spent 3 hours on a ropes course alone! I also took myself to a water park and rode all the big slides! I ran a half marathon alone and travelled by myself. Spend time investing in what makes you feel good and brings you joy. Do them alone or with friends if it makes sense and watch as your self-esteem grows. Being able to stand on your two feet is crucial when trying to attract a high-quality partner. No self- knowing or self-loving person wants to be with someone who doesn’t know themselves, know what they like, or needs someone else to create their identity.
Thirdly, date without any outcome in mind. Just go out with people as an adventure. I loved meeting new people and getting to know them. I loved learning what I liked and didn’t like about men and taking those understandings into a new date. If I had decided I wanted to be married and wanted a relationship, I’m certain I would have had a different experience. Our dating sanity is directly related to our dating expectations. I wanted something to do when I didn’t have my kids. I wanted to learn all about the new city I was living in. I wanted to go to sporting events and concerts and fun dinners. Dating without a destination ensured that I lived in the moment. I wasn’t looking at each prospect as the next husband. I looked at them and lived in the moment and found that when I did that, I was really authentic with myself and them about what I liked and didn’t like. There were lots of first dates, some second dates and a few that made it further than that. But ultimately when I met the man that stole my heart, I went on 4 dates the week I met him. Even when I knew that he was cool and I wanted to spend time with him, I went on other dates. I didn’t stop dating other men for THREE months because I wanted to be sure that I was authentically ready to. I wanted to take things slowly and make sure that what I was feeling was real. I didn’t NEED a man. I was in a place where I determined that I WANTED a man. When you are in this place, trust me, you will create possibilities that are beyond your wildest imagination.
Finally, if you have already started dating and it feels like a waste of time, or if deep down you believe that all men/women suck; dating is a waste of time; and all that is left is garbage, then it’s time to STOP. Like NOW! Time to back up and go to my first suggestion of being alone and getting some help to process your past relationships and identify potential false beliefs that you may be hanging onto subconsciously. I went on a date with a 35-year-old man who showed up to lunch and looked exhausted. I asked him if he was ok. He said, “I’m really excited to meet you but I have to tell you, dating is exhausting!” I laughed and said, “Really? I’m having the time of my life!” He said, “It’s so frustrating taking girls out; getting excited about them, and then never hearing from the again!” I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eye, and said, “I think you should take a break from dating!” He looked mortified and said, “Why?” I told him that from this place of exhaustion and frustration, he was only going to attract more of the same. Taking a break and reviving himself; getting himself to a place where he was genuinely excited to meet a new woman, that energy was surely to bring him better results. Two weeks later, he sent me a text thanking me for my advice!
Divorce is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. With a lot of deliberate and gut-wrenching personal work, I learned to stand on my own two feet and love who I am without question. Dating after divorce as a self-assured, authentic, heart wide open women was one of the most fun times of my life! I hope that your journey will have you feeling the same way and ultimately creating the kind of relationship that you only thought existed in the movies!
Love,
